Weird

As I open'd the fridge, I saw my unemployed roomate dressed in a full Royal Canadian Mounted Police uniform preparing to stop cars on our street at random & strip searching the occupants. I went back to my room & begain playing my Beatles albums backwards. At the end of "Rovolution 9" on the White album, I heard John Lennon mumble "Paul is Alive." He is attempting to ressurrect his career by playing hideous Broadway show tune pop music & being a militant vegetarin. I flipp'd on MTV & stumble'd on an episode of a Sing-A-Long with Sesame St. which feature'd Big Bird hunch'd over chopping out lines of Cocaine on a 2way mirrior with an oversize'd rubber razor blade. As Big Bird count'd out the lines of coke, a huge #8 ball flash'd on the screen. Enough TV for 1 day. I went looking for a place to eat. I saw Dave Thomas in front of Wendy's slaughtering a cow, but went to Pizza Hut where the waitress has a head like Florence Henderson & the body like Danny Devito. She kept coughing up chunks of lung & intestine into a dirty handkerchief. I order'd a small pepperioni. While scopping up lettuce onto my plate at the salad bar, I notice'd that the crutons seem'd to be alive. Upon closer inspection, I saw a 6inch Teri Garr wearing a clown outfit, climbing around chanting, "THE HORROR!! THE HORROR!!" I went back to my seat & finish'd my salad just as the meal arrive'd. Instead of pepperioni, though, the pizza was topp'd with the contents of a Monopoly Game. Rather then complain, I attempted to eat it. After 5 bites, I begain choking. Suddenly I felt someone applying the Heimlich Maneuver. Out from my mouth flew a Green House, Red Hotels, & a Get-Out-of-Jail Free Card. I turn'd around to thank my rescuer & saw Richard Simmons in my backyard, naked & bleeding profusely from the head. "Too much Polyurethane is bad for the tummy," he lisp'd as he begain to do jumping jacks while holding gristly, dripping slabs of raw pork in each hand. "2,3,5,7,11,13,..." he bark'd as he count'd in prime numbers. He stopp'd at 997 & threw the meat to the ground. "STOP THE KILLING!!" he scream'd. Now on his hands & knees, he begain grabbing clumps of the lawn & stuffing it into his mouth. "The only thing we have to fear," he gurgl'd dripping bits of soil & grass down his chin, " is pelvic inflammatory disease itself."